Priceless

I went to Rite-Aid yesterday night.

1 Fructus Hair Gum Putty $3.99

1 Neutrogena Face Cleanser $7.89

1 Neutrogena Face Lotion $6.99

1 Degree Extreme Sport $3.99

Subtotal 22.86

Tax 1.89

Total $24.75

$24.75 just to look like this:

That's just ridiculous!?!?! I spent a quarter of a 100 dollars because I feel like I have to smell nice, feel soft, hair gel-ed and my face moisturized. I was tempted to buy another facial moisturizer with retinol, spf 15 and multi-vitamins.

Retinol? what the hell is that? I'm sure that's something that comes out of something's ass. And I didn't know that my skin needed multi-vitamins. I was pretty sure that skin cells in your upper-dermis was dead. But good God, if they need vitamins, they should have told me! I would have ground up a few tablets of centrum (from A to zinc), mixed it with my urine and a dash of doggie retinol.

Don't get me started on the whole self of worthless crap out there. Like men's body hair removal? Is this some sick joke? I've spent a many Friday nights waiting for my armpit bush to grow so Esteban and Manchild would stop calling me the Hairless Wonder. And eye-cream? When did men need eye cream? I can only think of one necessary use for eye cream. When the Italian Stallion gets eye cream on his eye cause he can't see due to getting pommeled by Apollo Creed. Come to think of it, it wasn't eye cream, it was a razor so there. There's no moment in the history of man that a guy needs eye cream.

What happened to the days when spit used to solve everything? Oh crap, I just fell off my bike trying to do a sweet jump. Pick out the pebbles and spit on it! Oh snap, I busted a foot saving an orphan infant from a runaway car. Stop the bleeding and spit on it! I was a walking self-serve pharmacy. The only thing that spit couldn't cure are dry lips... you need to get blistex for that. That's after three years of having a sore pink ring around my mouth. But I bougtht regular blistex, not no fruit-flavored, anti-wrinkle crap. And there's no way I'm putting anything with reti-anal near my mouth.