Cleansing
"Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged. For I am with you."
My colon hates me and I hate it. If you've ever read about the medicinal benefits of flushing out your colon and have been tempted to buy those expensive supplements, I have a tastier alternative for you. It'll only take a weekend, but if you follow my regimen strictly, you'll be sure to extinguish the stankiest smelliest "Oh the Humanity" sinking turd of your life by the following Monday.
Friday: Lubricate your Colon
Follow your regular schedule of down-time, trying to look busy while alt-tabing your brain into paralysis. Lots of youtube, aim and surfing. For the extremely ambitious try watching My Boss My Hero or 200 lbs Beauty on youtube. For dinner meet up with a couple of high schools friends that you haven't met in almost a decade. While you're driving around wondering "why in the hell are all the D&B's ass-far from civilization?", get your stomach ready by bumping and grinding your steering wheel to the melodious man-whore lyrics of Usher. Upon arriving, greet your long-lost buddies with either a "cabron" or "ah-lah" which every one is appropriate. Half of my school was hispanic and the other half was armenian. Get something fried, drink beer(s), more than one especially when the bar screws up and doubles your order. Have a great time and show them why Cal kicks ass on the trivial games.
Saturday: Stuff your Colon
Again... drive ass far to visit a buddy who everyone else thought fell off the face of the earth. If he happens to live in the desert on the way to Vegas, make sure he's tempted you with the promise of food and company in order to keep you from straying to bright lights and apparitions of jackpot dreams. Upon arriving, thank the Lord that it's a real house and not a tin shack w/ a grumpy goat guarding a dry well. Each chips, drink beer, and wonder how in the hell your buddy convinced you to eat half a pig covered in sriracha bbq sauce.
After the food coma, take a drive to the nearby lake and note that even in small towns like these, you'll find a woman hung over and unconscious outside a liquor store. The only difference is that she's wearing flip-flops, has a perm from the 80s and the guys who's trying to help her up is decked out in jeans... jeans all over from head to toe, wrapped in a big shiny belt buckle. Take the boat out to the lake and stroll around talking about life, where each of you are at and where you want to be. Vent and share in the spirit of brotherhood and knowing that you both were made for something better than this world. Enjoy the sweet silence that comes when your buddy out of the blue hints that he's now going to kill you cause you're in the middle of the lake, where it's too dark and far away for any witnesses. He lets out a maniacal laugh. You scared your rectum tight&shut for the next two days.
Sunday: Release Prep
Your bowels are moving with all the mass quantity of food that you've gorged yourself with in the past two days. Only one thing remains. Kill it w/ an schmograsboard of hot jigae w/ all the spam and sausage that you can desire, then when you've had enough... watch you 2-buck buddy order another bowl of rice and finish off the remaining evidence of gluttony.
Monday: Release!!!
My colon hates me and I hate it. If you've ever read about the medicinal benefits of flushing out your colon and have been tempted to buy those expensive supplements, I have a tastier alternative for you. It'll only take a weekend, but if you follow my regimen strictly, you'll be sure to extinguish the stankiest smelliest "Oh the Humanity" sinking turd of your life by the following Monday.
Friday: Lubricate your Colon
Follow your regular schedule of down-time, trying to look busy while alt-tabing your brain into paralysis. Lots of youtube, aim and surfing. For the extremely ambitious try watching My Boss My Hero or 200 lbs Beauty on youtube. For dinner meet up with a couple of high schools friends that you haven't met in almost a decade. While you're driving around wondering "why in the hell are all the D&B's ass-far from civilization?", get your stomach ready by bumping and grinding your steering wheel to the melodious man-whore lyrics of Usher. Upon arriving, greet your long-lost buddies with either a "cabron" or "ah-lah" which every one is appropriate. Half of my school was hispanic and the other half was armenian. Get something fried, drink beer(s), more than one especially when the bar screws up and doubles your order. Have a great time and show them why Cal kicks ass on the trivial games.
Saturday: Stuff your Colon
Again... drive ass far to visit a buddy who everyone else thought fell off the face of the earth. If he happens to live in the desert on the way to Vegas, make sure he's tempted you with the promise of food and company in order to keep you from straying to bright lights and apparitions of jackpot dreams. Upon arriving, thank the Lord that it's a real house and not a tin shack w/ a grumpy goat guarding a dry well. Each chips, drink beer, and wonder how in the hell your buddy convinced you to eat half a pig covered in sriracha bbq sauce.
After the food coma, take a drive to the nearby lake and note that even in small towns like these, you'll find a woman hung over and unconscious outside a liquor store. The only difference is that she's wearing flip-flops, has a perm from the 80s and the guys who's trying to help her up is decked out in jeans... jeans all over from head to toe, wrapped in a big shiny belt buckle. Take the boat out to the lake and stroll around talking about life, where each of you are at and where you want to be. Vent and share in the spirit of brotherhood and knowing that you both were made for something better than this world. Enjoy the sweet silence that comes when your buddy out of the blue hints that he's now going to kill you cause you're in the middle of the lake, where it's too dark and far away for any witnesses. He lets out a maniacal laugh. You scared your rectum tight&shut for the next two days.
Sunday: Release Prep
Your bowels are moving with all the mass quantity of food that you've gorged yourself with in the past two days. Only one thing remains. Kill it w/ an schmograsboard of hot jigae w/ all the spam and sausage that you can desire, then when you've had enough... watch you 2-buck buddy order another bowl of rice and finish off the remaining evidence of gluttony.
Monday: Release!!!
posted by chongo1201 at 11:00 AM
2 Comments:
oh yummy... so you have documented results on this regimen?
Hm... results? I remember seeing one of ghetto's results on a polaroid. Made me dirty even touching the picture.
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